I thought that I’d be excited to go back to work by now. I’ve never seen myself as a stay-at-home mom, even when Josh told me that if I wanted to stay home, it was up to me. I am the one who wanted to go back to work. I like the adult interaction, brain stimulation and frankly the break from being constantly touched. Here I am, just days before going back to work and feeling more anxious and sad than I am excited and happy.
Maybe it was naïve of me to think returning to work would be easier for me this time around. I know that Anderson will be well taken care of, just like Ella was. He will likely thrive, just like Ella has. The thought of someone else caring for him, getting to see those sweet early morning smiles and hear those coos, just tugs at my heart strings.
The past week I’ve spent getting things ready around the house. I think it’s my way of trying to calm my nerves. I’ve packed our freezer full of meals and partially prepped meals. I gathered all the supplies Anderson needs for school and delivered them along with all of his paperwork. I’ve done every piece of laundry I have found and checked off the last of my maternity leave to-dos. The only things left for me to do are figure out what clothes fit right now for me to wear next week and what our routine is going to be.
This morning I decided to do a little rehearsal. I got up at 5:00 am which I used to do without blinking an eye. It sure was tough this morning. Luckily Anderson only woke at 2:30 am after going down at about 9:45 pm. Woohoo! With the house quiet and not really needing to shower and such, I decided to make another batch of lactation cookies to throw in the freezer for work day treats. I had my first trays in the oven when Anderson woke for a quick feeding around 6.
If most days go like this morning, I’ll be out of the house by 6 am (likely pumping and leaving a bottle for Josh), getting me to work about 6:45 which means I should be able to leave for home around 3:30 or so. As long as I take my laptop with me while I pump like I did before, I won’t be missing any work.
Evenings will be interesting if Anderson continues to stay up until 10. We’ll see how I fit in exercise. I remember not wanting to leave Ella for one single second while she was awake after being away all day. I can’t imagine it being any different this time. I think the key will be having bottles, breakfasts and clothes all ready for Josh before I leave in the morning. I know he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought of getting both kids out the door.
Other than a trip to the gym for a run, we’ve been home cuddling as much as possible before my days are spent in the office rather than at home with my sweet boy. I’m really going to miss our days together.